


Skin on Our Teeth

by atop_gray_clouds



Category: Left 4 Dead 2
Genre: Action, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-19
Updated: 2012-07-19
Packaged: 2017-11-10 06:44:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atop_gray_clouds/pseuds/atop_gray_clouds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trials and tribulations. Zombies are the easy part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skin on Our Teeth

**Author's Note:**

> These are all true stories.

“Dammit, Ellis!” Nick yelled. “Where are you?”

“I’m right here, Nick,” Ellis answered.

“I need you on my left! There are zombies all over me!”

Ellis continued shooting at the horde of zombies running down the alley on Nick’s left. “I am on your left, dude.”

“Other left!”

###

“Help! Jockey on me!” Coach shouted. Ellis turned and emptied most of a clip in the general direction of the Jockey. Rochelle fired a few short bursts, and the zombie tumbled to the ground.

“Come on, man,” Nick said. “You almost shot me.”

“You were standing in the way,” Ellis told him.

“Kid, you weren’t going to hit that Jockey anyway, the way you were shooting,” Rochelle said.

###

“Ow, shit, I’m on fire!” Rochelle cried. “Why am I on fire?”

“You were surrounded by zombies,” Nick said. “I thought I’d help out.”

“How is that helping?”

“Burns the zombies.”

“And me, too! It burns me, too! If I’m being mauled by zombies, I don’t need to be _set on fire_. Jeez, but there is something wrong with your head.”

###

“Help! I’m standing in Spitter goo!” Ellis yelled.

“Help! This thing’s bashing the shit out of me!” Nick yelled.

Several hundred yards behind: “Come on, Coach, get up,” Rochelle said. “We’ve gotta go rescue those two.”

###

“Hey! A Witch!” Ellis shouted gleefully. “Watch this!”

“One sec,” Nick said. “There’s a gas can and a propane tank over here. Let’s set her on fire and then shoot the propane.”

“Do either of you remember what happened the last time you pissed off a Witch?” Coach asked.

“Should I shoot at her from the top of this dumpster, or can I climb up onto that truck?” Nick asked.

Rochelle flung her hands up, leaving her rifle swinging from the strap over her shoulder. “That’s it. I’m not helping you this time. Either of you gets his ass killed, and I’m not cleaning it up. I’m gonna save my ammo, and my health pack, and my adrenaline shot.”

Ten seconds later, Nick was lying on the ground and bleeding while Rochelle hacked at the Witch with a fire ax. Ellis was trapped between the truck he’d fallen off and the flames from the gas can, and Coach was trying to cover the other members of his team.

“I’m not gonna say ‘I told you so,’” Rochelle said to Nick, “but boy did I ever tell you so.”

###

“Don’t shoot that car,” Coach warned.

“Seriously, everybody, listen to the man,” Rochelle said. “I’m so low on ammo that I’m hoping we don’t meet anything big and ugly between here and the next safe room.”

“Woo! A car alarm!” Ellis yelled. He jumped up onto the hood of the car and stomped on the windshield for good measure. As zombies poured in from all directions, Rochelle sighed and reached for her katana.

###

“Why am I on fire again?” Rochelle said. “Nick? What did you do with that Molotov?”

“I was aiming at the zombies! It just bounced off the van here.”

“That’s it. Molotovs are off-limits for you. You clearly cannot be trusted with fire.”

###

“One of them tongue dudes!” Ellis shouted. The Smoker disappeared in a greenish-gray cloud. Ellis turned to Rochelle. “I was shooting him,” he said.

Rochelle shrugged. “Aim, kiddo.”

###

“Hey, a health pack,” Nick said. “Everybody hold up, I’m gonna heal.”

“Whoa, hey,” Rochelle said. “How badly hurt are you?”

“I’m doin’ all right, but there’s no reason to let a perfectly good health pack go to waste.”

“Dude. I am bleeding _all over_ the damn place. And nobody else has a health pack.”

“Whoops, sorry,” Nick said. “I didn’t notice.”

Rochelle took a deep breath and steeled herself to continue resisted the temptation to bludgeon her teammate.

“I saved these for you,” Coach said as he handed her a bottle of pills.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

###

“Watch my back!” Rochelle said as she ducked into a small garage that opened onto the street. “I have to heal.”

Down the street: “Help!” Ellis shrieked. “There’s a Hunter on me!”

Rochelle dropped the health pack, crouched down on the sidewalk, and fired at the Hunter. It cart-wheeled backward, and Ellis hopped up and dashed off to hunt for supplies in a side alley while Rochelle continued patching herself together.

###

“Help!” Nick called. “I’m down!”

“I’m not helping you,” Rochelle answered. “You’re on fire.”

“I know I’m on fire! That’s why I need help!”

“How did you get on fire? Wait, were you carrying a Molotov?”

No answer.

“Nick, did you seriously knock yourself down with your own Molotov?”

“I was surrounded.”

###

“The chopper’s here, people! Let’s go!” Coach announced. He grabbed a last load of ammo and started across the stage toward the side of the stadium. Rochelle flung a bile jar—she’d been saving it—in the opposite direction and sprinted after Coach as a Tank climbed over one of the barricaded entrances.

“Let’s see how long we can hold out!” Ellis said.

“Right next to you, buddy,” Nick said.

“If you two don’t get your asses on board _right now_ , you’re gonna get left behind!” Rochelle screamed from the helicopter.

“What are those crazy fools doing now?” Coach asked.

“I don’t know,” Rochelle said, “but there’s no way I’m going back down to the stage. Look, there’s two more Tanks.”

Ellis and Nick started running for the helicopter, fending off zombies at every step. Luckily, they reached the skids two leaps and a bound before one of the Tanks.”

“That was _so_ _ **cool**_ ,” Nick said.

“Totally awesome! High-five, bro!” Ellis shouted.

“That wasn’t awesome,” Coach said.

“You two aren’t right in the head,” Rochelle declared.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a still-existing account on FF.net, so I pulled this from there, shinied it up, and re-posted here.


End file.
